I’ve been searching for a curse to banish all stupid scam emails.
I realize they go with the territory, i.e. being an author with an online presence, but seriously:
a) How stupid do these people think we are?!
b) Find something constructive to do, for the love of god!!!
Every day I receive up to a dozen scam emails. They frequently address me as “Dear Roads”. My name IS NOT “ROADS”! I have a name. At the very least, these bozos could take the trouble to learn it.
Usually they refer to “your book”, which they’ve discovered and are all excited about. I’ve written three books so far. Perhaps they could enlighten me as to which one?
Sometimes they jump in at my third novel, Out of Time. They then proceed to give me a general synopsis of the plot, as if that’s going to convince me that they’ve read it. They think it’s wonderful. I wonder how they’ve figured out what’s going on, as it wouldn’t make much sense without having read the first two novels. Nevertheless, they want to promote the heck out of it, introduce it to the 2000 readers in their book club, or the 10000 contacts they have on Amazon, or shop it out for a movie, blah blah blah.
Of course, this would just require a modest fee of $200 or so. But for that, they could guarantee amazing success.
Uh huh.
The queries are often just inane.
Other times they take the curious approach of being insulting.
Nevertheless, despite the poor job I’m doing, I was delightfully surprised to hear that someone found my book in the British Library. That’s quite a coup for me. Clearly the supernatural was involved, as my book was magically transported 3500+ miles. But I like to keep an open mind about these things.
Recently I heard from Oprah. I’m so happy she’s really interested in my book, although I’m surprised she uses a ‘gmail’ address.
Also, I was thrilled to hear from Melania Trump, aka Rita M. Mondal. It seems that scammers don’t expect us to actually look at the faux-mail address they’re using.
I also got an email from Gwyneth Paltrow. And James Patterson, who wants to know if I’m still writing. He’s also using Gmail (writer.jpatterson.profile@gmail.com) – I guess you don’t become a multi-millionaire without cutting some corners.
With Elon Musk and Prince William following me on Instagram, I think I could put together a marvelous tea party. Something along the lines of the Algonquin Round Table, and I could be Dorothy Parker’s sarcastic successor.
I really love this one. It’s supposedly from the “Author Credibility Society”, but features just a marginally bogus sender address.
All authors receive this garbage. It’s incredibly annoying, even though it all gets redirected to my Spam box. All of it. I haven’t received a genuine contact yet. Some day, I’d like to.
In the meantime, I guess I’ll keep looking for a good curse.